Faith In Fertility

End of the line?

2009-07-09T19:51:00.004+01:00

I know - I haven't blogged in an age. I barely have the time or inclination any more. Shall I let this blog peter out or shall I end it conclusively?

Samuel is doing well - 8 months and he is already crawling, clapping, clicking his tongue, swimming (well, sort of) and has 4 teeth - he seems to be on fast forward. Weening is a mixed blessing - less work for GLW, but a load of headache trying to persuade him to actually eat - he only want to eat finger food (stuff he can pick up and eat), rather than being fed with a spoon, which means he isn't really eating enough - but hey - you can't force them to eat! I have no idea where he gets that fierce independent streak from - oh hang on - that would be er, both of us!

Anyway - a few benchmarks have been and gone, his first taste of icecream was memorable, his face whilst watching a video of himself was a picture, going to the Glastonbury Festival (not really recommended), and our tenth wedding anniversary (a spa break with Samuel in a creche - yay!)

GLW is coming towards the end of her maternity leave - only 4 months left - and she is making the most of it. She goes to plenty of mums groups, which Samuel is loving as much as her (he starts going bananas if he is at home too long).

Anyway - maybe I could get back into this blogging lark

J

His first trip to A&E

2009-03-08T19:48:00.002Z

Still rubbish at blogging, and now a rubbish Dad as well...

So there we were, bathtime, Samuel happy and kicking away, then he gets that look on his face, takes a deep breath and fills the bath with poo. Nice. Not something I haven't encountered before, but this one is special. He really has filled up the bath. There is poo everywhere.

Now I can't see the point of letting him have a bath with that much faeces floating around, it is way too much to catch in a bowl (a neat trick if you can catch it early enough), so I drain the bath and start to refill it (with baby still in situ).

I have a little bath thermometer thing that I always use when running the bath. I run the tap over it, and balance the taps to make sure it isn't too hot. All is going well, when that slightly quizzical expression returns to his face, another deep breath a rumble from below, and the second bath is filled with poo.

This time there isn't enough water in the bath to wash it off him, so I drain the bath again, and get out the shower to rinse him down.

Rinse, rinse, rinse, clean baby, turn off the taps - SCREAM!

For some unknown reason I kept him under the stream of the shower head and had turned off the cold tap, leaving plain hot water coming out of the shower.

He only screamed once, then seemed completely happy again. Really not sure what to do. Is he OK or not? The bit of him that was under the shower is slightly pinker than the rest of him. Certainly not red. He's not concerned in the slightest.

Hmmm.

I call for backup. We have a code. There is a difference between just calling for a hand, and a 'drop everything and get here immediately". GLW arrives, phone dangling off the hook.

"I think I might have scalded him"

The expected hysteria starts

(and a small amount of praying).

Samuel, still perfectly happy, is now lying on the bath mat, with cold flannels over him. I am switching the flannels every 10 seconds on rotation, wringing them out and rinsing them in really cold water, and again, and again, and again. His skin is cold to the touch. GLW is on the phone to NHS direct, who are asking her all sorts of questions.

Are his lips grey? No
Is he shaking? No
Is he crying? No
Is it puffy and red? No

The only yes was: Is the area bigger than his hand? Huh? He's a baby! Of course it's bigger than his hand.

They also suggest that I put him in a bath or sink of cold water. So I give that a try. Then he really screams. Far more than when he was under the shower. I'll give that one up and go back to the flannels thanks.

On the basis that the area that is affected is bigger than his hand (!) we are advised to take him to A&E. I'm fine with that. Better safe than sorry. I'd prefer to get there and look like an over cautious parent than to not get the treatment that he might need.

So off we pop to A&E (same hospital as he was born in), which is, oooh, a whole 5 minutes away.

We are seen immediately. The Doctor takes off his clothes and nappy. Nothing. Not a mark on him. Admittedly he is a bit confused. He was expecting a nice bath, a snoozy feed, and then off to bed. Instead he got a jet of hot water, hoiked out of the bath, covered in cold flannels and prodded by a doctor. Not how he would have liked his evening to go.

The Doctor also reminds me that as he is a child and the non-existent harm was my fault, his health visitor would be notified. Fine. The system is there to catch child abusers, and if I fall anywhere near that system, then fine. I'll take whatever comes my way.

So we go home, give him his last feed, and everything goes back to normal, other than my overwhelming guilt.

Well, you live and learn

J

New sermon

2009-02-21T19:58:00.004Z

New sermon is up! (although something is going very strange with the Blogger Gadgets - I can never seem to find the same one twice, so I guess I am limited to only showing 3 sermons at the moment, which I guess is fine).

Samuel is still doing well, struggling through a cold (bubbly baby snot - hmmm. nice). Looking to be weaned (he is totally obsessed with watching us eat, which is kind of cute, but we don't want to rush in), putting on weight and generally being a Good Boy - although he has his 'moments'.

All in all - going well.

J

It was 365 days ago today....

2009-02-15T21:23:00.003Z

.....that we found out that +1 had come into the world. It seems unbelievable in a way. Unfortunately, the anniversary wasn't a great day - we were all a bit fraught, but we got through it all in the end.

What we did manage to achieve was in that I managed to give Samuel his first bottle of formula! Result! We (by which I really mean GLW) is still going to breastfeed, but we want to be able to have a bit more freedom. So GLW has booked a massage and will be off for a haircut, and can leave the little man with me.

It seems hard to do more than just tread water at the mo. Work is hard, and home can be just as hard (if Samuel so desires!). We had a real doozer today. He missed a feed (possibly due to the formula he had yesterday still rumbling around inside him) and so GLW was, er, 'full', and Samuel was upset and couldn't feed or sleep.

In the end I gave him a bath to calm him down. He then manged a feed and we seemed to get back to normal. It really threw a whole 3 hours of our life out though.

It wasn't helped my me being completely cream crackered (knackered) from preaching again this morning. It was a real emotional one about Freedom, which really drained everything out of me. Part of it was about slavery to lust, and boy did I open up a can of worms. I now have near half a dozen blokes in the church wanting to spend some time with me in prayer. Great! But I'm kind of busy! Not only that, but my discipleship programme has finally got off the ground, and I am meeting the first 2 guys tomorrow! When it rains it pours.

Don't get me wrong. I love seeing people grow in God. I just know that I am pushing my limit here big time. At least the sermon is out the way (I will post it when it is online), which I must say, was one of my best yet. The start was a bit heavy, but it ends great. I tried it the other way round, but it had to be that way to lay the foundations of the issue to be able to understand the answer (hmm, weird way of describing it, I guess you'll just have to listen to it).

Anyway, it is all of 21:30, and it is time for bed and a stressy week at work.

#I've got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart#

J

Sleeeep

2009-01-31T18:29:00.006Z

Well Samuel's fantastic run of 12 hour sleeping is becoming a thing of the past. We used to be able to put him down at 8pm and he wouldn't stir until 8am the next morning. Whatever we were doing, we didn't want to change it.

When GLW went to Mums & Babies the other mothers were awed at his sleeping prowess. I guess we have a huge baby who has enough sheer mass to make it through the night.

Then the blip. First he wakes up at 04:30. Ok, only a blip. Next night - 01:30. Oh dear - he must be a bit under the weather. Next night 02:30 and 06:00. Hmm. Not looking good. Last night he was awake from 02:30 till 05:00. Now that's not funny. I was really looking forward to a good night's sleep. So today was a grumpy day.

Is it the four month blip come early? Is he teathing? Possible. We console ourselves with the fact that whatever the problem is, we can't change it. There is nothing we have done differently, we have a rigid bedtime routine which we've stuck to rigorously until last night Samuel decided to feed for an hour and a half, miss his bath and just fall asleep. Hmm. I would prefer him to sleep later and wake up later, but maybe those days have gone.

In addition, I seem to have started a bit of a wine habit. Just a nice half glass in the evening - nothing much, but I think it is edging into a habit, which I don't want (before I was a Christian I was a drug abuser, and I know that I have a personality that can end up in addiction very easily).

But on the flip side, my prayer life is going well. Praying daily (proper head down praying), and I have also been praying at night when I wake up (instead of just letting my head run with thoughts - I pray about them instead!). So it isn't all bad news (even though I am still a rubbish blogger).

All the best

J

Sermons

2009-01-13T20:57:00.003Z

I've put up some new and old sermons. I don't know if that is a bit narcissistic, but hey, this is a blog, and if you want to understand me or know what I am going through, then a sermon is probably better than a blog post anyway. So whatever, listen if you want, don't listen if you don't.

I have even put up my last sermon, which I thought was a bit ropey, but I still got some good feedback. I guess you can't always be on top form, otherwise it would be your average rather than your best! That's stats for you.

J

Giant baby

2009-01-06T17:53:00.006Z

We had Samuel weighed today - a whopping 15lbs 11oz at a mere 10 weeks. That puts him in the 98%ile. I have fathered a giant!

He also had his jabs today, which weren't quite so jolly, but hey, better that than the diseases they prevent.

I still catch myself staring at him in wonder. I can't quite believe I have a son. The way he looks at me is so open and loving, I can't get my head round what he must think of me. Even when he is screaming the place down I count myself blessed.

My parents (the obsessive ones) ask me if I am proud of him. Intially I thought 'no'. What has he achieved? Putting on weight and a few gibberings? Not really worthy of being proud. But then, thinking about it. I am proud of him. I enjoy people enjoying him, I want to show him off. He hasn't achieved, but his existence brings me pride. I have never really thought of pride in this way. I guess it is part of being a parent.

Baby aside. I am really excited as I am starting up a discipleship programme for the young men in our church. I have always had a heart for those guys. They seem to slip through the net, and always seem so uncomfortable in normal church settings. They need to be looked after, but Sunday mornings and home groups don't scratch where they are itching.

The plan I have come up with was inspired by one of my training courses. The actual material is completely irrelavent, but the style is called 'evidence based learning'. Basically, rather than just talking about a subject and then 'see you next week'. You do a self assessment before you meet, chat it through, do a short Bible study, and then set objectives for the week ahead. What they did is then reviewed the next week, and so on.

Anyway - I am excited about it. I have only written the first of 14 weeks, but hey, it is a start

J

Still rubbish at blogging

2008-12-20T20:05:00.002Z

This whole baby thing really is getting in the way of the blog. I am beginning to wonder about wrapping it up (again!).

Hmm

Anyway, I promised to tell you about what happened to GLW once Samuel arrived. Well....GLW had been given so much epidural that she couldn't pee for 2 weeks and had to be fitted with a semi permanent catheter, which could have been worse, but could have been a whole load better. So we had loads of trips to the hospital for various depressing bladder scans, but eventually everything got back to normal (well, the bladder did, everything else had changed).

Samuel was feeding every 3 hours, day and night, and we were both shattered. In the middle of all this, various friends came and went, more hospital visits, life was just a dark grey blur of nappies, feeds, hospital, visitors and snatched sleep. I think our record was going to bed at 19:30, and by 10:00 the next day only having 6 or 7 hours sleep. But eventually we got through it, and now, things are so much better.

Samuel is sleeping, get this, at least 7 hours at a stretch at night! We put him down at about 22:30, having fed him most of the evening, and he won't wake up again until 06:30 the next morning. Wizzo.

The other good news is that he is already 14lbs. That puts him in the 91st %le for weight, which means I don't have to worry about him sleeping for so long at night.

More good news is that I got my first smile a couple of days ago. I was really looking forward to that moment, as the birth itself was a complete trauma, and so I felt a bit 'robbed' of an amazing moment. So I decided the moment would be at his smile rather than the traumatic birth.

Anyway, he is crying, and I should go.

I can't see how I am going to get any better at blogging again, so I'll probably have to leave you for another month.

Byeee

Yeah, Yeah.....

2008-12-03T20:56:00.003Z

....I know. I haven't posted in weeks. At least I have a good excuse.

Life is a complete blur at the moment. Samuel is putting on weight like there is no tomorrow (13lbs at only 5 weeks!), GLW is feeding him like a trooper, and I finally had to go back to work (although I did manage a whole 4 1/2 weeks off!)

Mother-in-law came and went, and was actually useful, although there were a few instances of baby tourism - "oooh. He's Crying..AAaaah....Let me take a photo. " "NO. Change his nappy or make me cup of tea, but taking a photo is not an option" Anyway. It all went well, and I am happy to put up with the odd bit of tourism.

I must admit to be a bit narked by my parents though. They have decided to buy a load of toys (not that he is into toys yet) which will be exclusively at their house. Great. Maybe I should follow suit with their Christmas presents. I'll buy my mum a nice jumper, but she is only allowed to wear it at our house. Or maybe buy my dad a metal detector, but chain it into our garden. Hmmmm. Grace Jon, grace.

Sermon didn't go as bad as I feared, but it still wasn't my best - but then again, I can't expect every sermon to be my best yet. It wasn't bad, and was still a lot better than some offerings that the church receives, so, could be worse. Mercifully it hasn't been put on line yet, so I can't share it with you.

I will tell you the end of the GLW story, but not today

TTFN

Jon

Sermon

2008-11-21T17:20:00.002Z

I am so unconvinced by my own sermon, it really isn't funny.

I think that the problem has come because the word hasn't really 'matured' in my head. It means that I am left with bitty facts with no real direction or purpose.

It has been so hard to concentrate long enough to actually get somewhere, and my prayer life has taken a bit of a tumble, ending up with a bit of a 'help me, I'm drowning' kind of prayer life, which isn't really cutting the mustard.

So I am ending up trying to pad it out, to make it into a bit more of a structured message, but I think it is just getting waffly. My last sermon was 45 minutes and had a word count of 6000 ish, and I am currently on 400o with this one.

Well, at least it will be short. We can all go home early and not prolong the agony.

J

The birth: The saga continues

2008-11-20T15:23:00.004Z

Right then. Enough distractions (although I still haven't finished my sermon for Sunday! Oh well.) On with the birth story.

I think I left you with my poor GLW not doing so well and Samuel just having made his grand appearance.

It was pretty amazing seeing him born. Arduous, but amazing ('arder for GLW than for me, although she gets the magic hormones and I don't).

I was asked if I wanted to cut the cord, which I declined. Not really my thing. Although I can see why some blokes would see that as a defining moment, to me it is a minor medical process. Why would I want to cut the cord? I have a baby! Who cares about a cord?

Anyway. The cord was cut and he was weighed and put back on GLW. The bad news was that the midwife thought that she had a grade 3 tear and would have to go to theatre for a repair. It was strange. We had dreaded that sort of news, but I just knew that we would get through it, whatever problems that might cause.

The midwife called in a doctor, who decided that it was a grade 2 not 3 - phew! The other good news was that she had been given so much epidural that she didn't need anything to get her through the stitching!

GLW asked me if we were going to call him Samuel or Daniel. Samuel had always been our first choice, but Daniel was a close second. I don't know what a Samuel looks like compared to a Daniel, but he was definately a Samuel, so Samuel it was.

So baby Samuel was weighed and dressed, wife was stitched, and suddenly we were alone with him, and there I am thinking "what do we do now?". Until then, it had all been driven by the NHS, now we are there with this new baby, and he is ours! Huh?!

Various people came in. One to give GLW a quick clean up (a bit random - hello madam, my name is Ruth and I'm here to clean up your punani), another to help Samuel with his first feed. And then the magic news came. We were allowed to go back to the low risk ward!

There are 2 wards at the hospital. There is the midwife lead unit (where we had started up), which is very quiet, and has a 6 bed post-natal unit for the new mums and babies - all brand new and clean, quiet and relaxed. And then there is the main hospital unit for mums who had complex births: a main ward with 14 beds, lights on, screaming babies, and mums with problems. We were very keen to avoid it, so when we were told we could go back to the midwife unit, we couldn't believe our luck (not that I believe in luck - so I guess we couldn't believe our blessing!)

And guess who had pulled the strings - the same male midwife GLW had started with! What a blessing.

So GLW was wheeled, bed and all, into the other ward. Speaking to a midwife we know who works there, she has never heard of anyone ever being taken back to the midwife ward, let alone someone who is bed bound.

So I set GLW up with food and drink, the midwives were coming in and checking up on her, and all was chill.

Then the strange bit - I had to go home. I had been awake for the best part of 3 days, and finally I was allowed to go to sleep.

I somehow made it home (only 5 minutes), did a few phone calls, sobbed my heart out to God, and managed to sleep for a whole 2 hours. I couldn't believe it. I had a whole bed to myself and I couldn't sleep more than 2 hours! Earlier I would have paid good money for a mere wooden bench. Now I had a bed and I couldn't sleep.

As for the sobbing, I felt so let down by God. I had prayed so much for an easy birth, and my prayer was turned down. That was when Hebrews 12;2 came to me:

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross"

And it all made sense.

But it wasn't the end of our struggles, so the story will continue

J

From The Petersons

2008-11-19T19:07:00.008Z

I got this from Missed Conceptions, and thought I would play along and answer some questions:

1. Where is your cell phone? Sofa

2. Where is your significant other? Same

3. Your hair color? Brown

4. Your mother? Holiday

5. Your father? Same

6. Your favorite thing? Son!

7. Your dream last night? Sleep

8. Your dream/goal? Heaven

9. The room you’re in? Study

10. Your hobby? Gym

11. Your fear? Duff sermon

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Baby #2

13. Where were you last night? Changing nappies

14. What you’re not? Lost

15. One of your wish list items? iPhone

16. Where you grew up? Somerset

17. The last thing you did? Eat

18. What are you wearing? Brown

19. Your T.V.? Big

20. Your pet? Cat

21. Your computer? New

22. Your mood? Tired

23. Missing someone? No

24. Your car? From work

25. Something you’re not wearing? Hat

26. Favorite store? None

27. Your Summer? Working

28. Love someone? Yes

29. Your favorite color? Purple

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Birth

Ta da!

Jon

Sermon player

2008-11-15T17:47:00.006Z

Well I think I have sort of put up a link to my last sermon. But the trouble is that it seems to play automatically, which is a real pain.

Hmm

Please let me know what you think (more of the fact that it is there, rather than my preaching skills - but either is welcome!).

I am more than happy to get rid of the thing. I found it in the Add Gadget bit of the layout thing. I'm really not too sure about the whole thing, but hey, there it is. I can get rid of it if you want!

Jon

ps. Looks like it is bust anyway!

pps. Got a new one, which actually seems to work, AND you can switch it on at will! Wooo.

A few random comments

2008-11-14T17:34:00.004Z

I want to write about the post-natal bit of the birth, but I really don't have the energy right now. I am also meant to be writing a sermon on 'The Thief on the Cross", which is proving hard to concentrate on, what with a screaming baby and sleepless nights.

Hey ho.

I have asked before if anyone knows how to post my own MP3s on a blog. I still have no idea if it can be done. Any ideas out there?

Anyway - what I really wanted to say is how immensely pleased I am to hear about Jen being pregnant over at "Blessed are the Barren", and Abe (well, his wife!) over at Abe's Oddessy. This is great news guys. Hang in there little people! Grow grow grow!

Being a parent is proving very hard. My mind is on nothing else, I am woken up every 2-3 hours to face my own son screaming at me as if he hates me with every ounce of his little body (I know he doesn't, but that is what I could slip into if I wasn't careful). Going through IF is probably helping me to cope. I can look back at how much I wanted this baby, and I know that many people would give anything to have their own child, even if it was bellowing at them in a rage.

Anyway - mustn't grumble

Jon

Shat on

2008-11-08T11:55:00.007Z

It was 07:30, after a mere 5 hours sleep that night (after going to bed at 20:00). I was not very awake, and trying to subliminally convince GLW that she should do the nappy change seeing as she was awake from doing the feed anyway.

That precious sleep eluded me. GLW asked if I could do the change, and my answer, as always, is yes. I would do anything to bless her.

07:40. Samuel (who was a little fidgety) and I go to the nursery (which is more of a change room at the moment), and I prep for a quick and easy nappy change. The new nappy opened and ready, baby wipe warmed and ready (he hates cold wipes). Still wriggling a bit, but not too concerned.

Baby grow and vest are opened. First, assess your enemy. The old nappy is cautiously opened. Wet but not too smelly. Good news. An easy victory is in hand.

But we are about to enter the danger zone. That split second when primary bumhole containment zone is breached, and there is a real possibility of unfettered excreta.

Quickly the old nappy is removed and the new one put under. Phew. Just need to do up the new nappy when...

SPLAT! and PARP!

An unhuman stream of yellow poo shoots from my offspring's behind. The unsecured nappy wilts under the faecal onslaught. Vainly I brave the warm flow and try and cover the breach with the nappy until the barrage subsides.

The nappy merely redirected the flow. Poo is dripping from my hands, the change mat, the wet wipes, my son, his clothes, the floor and wall at the business end, and even the wall behind his head!

I cry for help. GLW runs in thinking I have dropped him. But no.

I stand there dumbfounded. What do I do? Everything seems covered. Everything.

I strip and clean him up, hand him back to GLW, and begin the clean up operation. Starting at the impact site and working out. Everything in the blast zone has to be washed or cleaned.

Why on earth do we have a linen change mat cover? I mean, what sort of new parent numpty would put linen, Linen, anywhere near a child's behind?

At least the wipe down paint wiped down.

I tried to sleep but the adrenaline was too much. 2 espressos and 4 hour later the washing is drying and normality is returning.

I was going to post about the post-natal bit of the birth, but I had to get this out of my system to gain closure.

J

Definition of terms for foreign guests:

1) Shat
I'm not sure if the term 'Shat' is used in the US of A, but for those who don't know, it is the past participle of 'Shit', however, it is not generally used in the form of 'I went to the toilet and I shat", more that "I was shat on". Often used in the context of business, I feel I am fully justified in using it in this purely feacal context.

2) Nappy
Faecal containment unit. Came from the word 'napkin' which I assume is useful if you take a baby to a dinner party and want to discretely mop up a small amount of poo. Would you then fold your napkin and put it on your plate, or leave it on your lap? Not sure. I don't think your hosts would be too impressed when they were tidying up though.

3) Parp
A comical onomatopoeia (word that sound like what it is), describing flattus (farting).

4) Baby vest
The base layer of clothing for a baby. Usually thin cotton with poppers between the legs.

5) Baby grow
The mid layer of clothing for a baby. Usually thicker and larger than the tight fitting vest.

The birth: Not for the faint hearted or expectant mothers

2008-11-03T10:01:00.009Z

Right then. The Birth

GLW+1 started having contractions at 02:00 on Friday - they started quite faint, a bit like period pains, but steadily got stronger until by the evening she was definitely 'in the zone'.

At 22:30 we did the phonecalls (an update to the hospital and immediate family) and prepared to go to hospital at some point that night, but her contractions never settled down to a pattern even though they were strong and painful.

We got through the night with the contractions coming between every 5 minutes and 20 minutes - I think I might have got 2 hours sleep. GLW+1 got none. Surely the baby would be here soon!?

The next DAY was the same. I kept a log of the contractions and they just go on and on and on. The hospital kept on saying that we should wait, and that she was 'just in false-labour'. False labour?! It's not like she is making it up! We tried a TENS machine, baths, massage, the works.

The next night was the same as the first. No sleep.

On Sunday, yes SUNDAY we'd had enough. We spoke to a nice midwife who recognised that we couldn't go on like this, and that we should come in. At last.

At 14:00 we finally got to the hospital - only 5 minutes away, and we managed to get the birth pool that we really wanted in the low-risk midwife led unit. At last things seemed to be going well. GLW was checked over (well, checked under!) and she was only 2cm. WHAT?!

OK. Calm and peace. Calm and peace. We had a nice room, a nice midwife, GLW started on the entonox (gas and air), and we would get through it. The midwife decided that GLW was in 'active labour' at 16:00, with regular contractions less than 5 minutes apart. Still no show, still no waters breaking, but we were going good.

2 hours later, at the next check up (check down?) she was 4cm. Doing good! Keep going, don't fight it, remember to breathe.

At 20:00 the midwife went off shift and had to hand over to a male midwife - hmpf. He was fine though, and later proved to be a complete star. GLW+1 still wasn't progressing, and the long haul through our THIRD night began.

I was so tired I was shaking. The lights in the room were dim, soft music, the air warm and humid from the pool. I was really struggling, and GLW was doing her best keep going.

Somewhere around 23:00 the midwife decided to do an artificial rupture of the membrane - this makes the baby's head drop onto the cervix, which can help it dilate. Fine, good plan. 2 hours after that she was still only 6cm dilated (you need 10cm), and he gently told us that we would now have to transfer from the low-risk unit to the main unit.

My heart sank as she was put in a wheel chair for the short trip to the adjoining unit. There was a change in the flooring which reminded me of the line you get at passport control. We had entered a different land. Bright lights, no music, doctors, white walls. It wasn't the dream we'd had of our birth, but at least things would move forward.

Once we got there the pace was completely different. This was now being driven rather than being the driver. The new midwife said that the only way forward was to have an induction drip, and she recommended an epidural as things had been taking so long. We both immediately knew that this was the right decision.

A few months ago, GLW+1 was given a prophetic word that if she needed an anaesthetist, one would be there immediately and that she shouldn't wait around. And Lo! And Behold! An anesthetist immediately appeared. So that was that decision made.

The drip was set up, and the epidural tube was put in, which should take only 15 minutes to take effect, and we waited for something to happen.

After 15 minutes GLW+1 had numb feet, and that was about it. So the anaesthetist was called back, and a bit more epidural was put in. And a bit more, and a bit more. And 2 hours and 4 top-ups later, GLW+1 was finally numb in all the right places - other than a thin strip across her stomach! Oh well. The midwife said we were good to go, cervix fully dilated, and it was finally, finally, time to push.

AN HOUR AND A HALF of pushing later the midwife said the +1's pulse was dropping, and that if he wasn't out within 2 contractions that she would have to do an episiotomy. Now THAT put the motivation right back in there, and one push later Samuel was born. At last.

06:43. She had been in labour for over 3 days.

He was bright eyed and alert right from the word go, with 9/10 APGAR (so doing well). I just couldn't believe it. GLW (now without the +1) asked me if I wanted to hold him, and I just cried. I had been so focused on her and the baby, the idea that he was mine was overwhelming.

Once GLW was patched up I went home and cried. It had been so hard. SO hard. Why had God done this to us? I had prayed so much, fasted, begged God for an easy birth. I felt let down, and told Him that.

He reminded me of Hebrews 12:2

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross"

Samuel was the joy set before us, and with that in mind, I should endure whatever comes.

His middle name (James) was because of James 1;2

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

He was a trial to conceive, and a trial to birth. But he is my son, and I love him.

Anyway, I will continue at some point, because that is not the end of the story. This is the longest post ever, and it is probably time for bed.

Samuel is doing so well. He has gained on his birth weight (almost unheard of), but GLW isn't doing too well, please, please pray for her health.

J

Busy Busy

2008-10-31T21:24:00.003Z

I will write something more meaningful at some point, but at the moment - I am a bit busy!

Everything is well, Samuel is feeding like it is going out of fashion, and GLW and I are tired but happy

J

Victory!

2008-10-29T16:37:00.007Z

I had been saving that miniature Taboa for over 3 years - a sugar cane rum available only in a remote area of Southern Brazil! Then I found the most expensive cigar I could. £5 for one smoke! And got my old Zippo out of retirement.

And I smoked my hand-rolled Havana and drank my exclusive rum under the frosty stars with a picture of my wife and son (who were still in hospital).

And I felt like a millionaire.

Jon

At last! Baby Samuel arrives

2008-10-27T22:11:00.004Z

Samuel James arrived this morning at 06:43 weighing in at 8lb 9oz.

I won't go into too much detail, as there is too much of it, and I have had nearly no sleep over the last 3 days (suffice to say that it was a very long and complicated birth, and I don't want to put anyone off who has one on the way, or ever wants one!)

At last!

The eternal wait

2008-10-22T17:53:00.002+01:00

Where is that baby? Come on!

I know that I shouldn't pay too much heed to the NHS and the miraculous dates that they pluck out of the air (or do they read your entrails?), but the date has come and gone, and yet the baby is still of the internal variety.

GLW+1 is wobbling around like a penguin and is most unamused. I shouldn't wish away my quiet nights and free and easy lifestyle, but I am ready for a baby now.

J

An endless countdown?

2008-10-15T19:59:00.005+01:00

I guess I have got sort of used to GLW being in the +1 state of things. Despite her ever increasing size, we still have a normal life, do normal (ish) sort of things, and everything seems to be ticking on much as it was before. Just with larger trousers.

It seems surreal that this bump (that we have learnt to live with), will turn into an actual baby. We seem to be coping with the bump stage quite well thanks - must we move onto the pooing screaming phase?!

We go to baby prep classes on a Tuesday night, and this week (which was about <> breast feeding!) we were asked what we were most looking forward to about our babies - and I really couldn't answer! All that came into my head was sleepless nights. I know that there are a squillion things that I am looking forward to, but in my current stage, I am just petrified of trying to get by on 4 hours sleep (per week), whilst trying to adjust to the new addition.

I am pondering about the whole church-baby thing. We are definitely not having a 'Christening' (I could go into details of why not, but we could be here a while!), we're not entirely sure about having a 'Dedication' (it seems to be more of an excuse to trap your friends and relatives in church and preach at them), so what I am thinking is that when we first get the baby to Church, I will bring it up the front, introduce him, and give my testimony of the road I have been on, break down in tears, have a bit of prayer and prophecy, and job done!

On the negative side, it means that there isn't going to be a time for the family to get round and celebrate, so, as our family is so spread out, we will have a few meals around the country (!) for the relatives to come and coo at our progeny.

I would love my family to come to church, however, I don't think that a Dedication is the right environment for it to happen, when they are more focused on the baby, and we really don't have the time (in the middle of a large crowd) to explain why Ben (the elder) was jumping up and down screaming 'Jesus', or why a strange woman wearing a scarf started talking as if she was God speaking to 'My children...' in arcane KJV style. Hmmmm. Tricky. I think the majority would never speak to us again, and the remaining minority would phone Social Services.

It's a weird world out there.

It's even weirder in The Church, just with a better ending.

Jon

The cigar dilemma

2008-10-05T16:27:00.004+01:00

I have a problem.

I would quite like to celebrate the birth of my SON (oh, go on then, it's a boy!) with a cigar and a glass or two of a fine malt with some friends.

The problem is, my bestest friends are all hard-core Christians (with a very capital C), and I'm really not sure how I would feel about sparking up a large Havana and cracking a bottle of Scotch in front of some of the guys at church.

The problem is, why would I want to celebrate by smoking a cigar? What is good about smoking? On the same vein, what is good about hard liquor? Why would I drink that as a celebration? I can see how 'new wine' can be a celebration - I can enjoy the taste without getting pissed. But a Cigar and Scotch?

At the same, I do see it as a celebration. To raise a glass to my son! Yippee! Even though God has delivered me from addiction to drugs, I think I can still enjoy a glass or two of the good stuff. It's not like I am about to become an alcoholic or take up smoking.

So I have hatched a plan.

I will go up to my buddies and say: "GLW had a great Baby Shower, but I'm not too sure about wetting the babies head - I don't know how I feel about cigars and whiskey" (which is all true).

If they reply - "Yes - you're right - It is wrong to smoke and drink, whatever the circumstances - let's have a time of prayer instead" then they are off the list.

If they reply - "I think that cigars and whiskey are OK in their place so long as it is in moderation" then they get a big tick, and I get to 'Wet the baby's head'.

That's the plan.

So far I have one buddy and an elder.

And less than 2 weeks to go!

J

Nearly there

2008-09-29T17:04:00.003+01:00

GLW+1 had her baby shower last night. It was one of the last milestones before the big day - and yet more baby clothes came our way! We are seriously inundated with clothes now, I am suggesting she starts up a baby clothing ministry. Mounds of little tops and baby grows are scattered across the house. Even a few scary nappies!

She is making the most of maternity leave, organising stuff and meeting friends. She is doing quite a lot, but so long as she doesn't tire herself out, that's fine. We had the last major check-up by the midwife, who said that the head is 1/5 engaged, and the baby is facing the right way (I was concerned that GLW+1 was 'lounging' a bit to much, which can make the baby face the wrong way, which can make the birth harder).

I can't believe we are in the 3 week countdown after so long.

J

A sad day

2008-09-21T20:32:00.005+01:00

A few years ago I ran a series of Alpha Courses in a local Indian Restaurant. It was a huge success, with a few people deciding to become Christians.

'Anne' was one of those. She is one of those lovely, huge hearted people who end up in abusive relationships. In her case, the guy she was set on was a bit of a no-hoper farm-hand, who would end up drinking his meagre wage down the local pub, and chatting up anything with legs and a cleavage.

We really tried to help Anne to get rid of him, he would say to her that he would find someone better one day and leave her, but Anne just couldn't hear it. He would end up getting her drunk on Saturday nights, so that she was too hung over to go to church on Sundays. Everyone really tried so hard to help her out, but she couldn't see life beyond him. She is late thirties, and with her ovaries ticking, and with no sign of a proposal, suddenly she was pregnant.

I couldn't possibly postulate that it was a baby trap, but hey, it happened, and he proposed, and she was a bit happier. I lost contact with them, other than the odd bit of info through some other people who went on the Alpha Course.

I found out today that she had acute pre-eclampsia and has lost the baby.

She was 39 weeks.

She had to have a cesarean, and he had to come back from his holiday (he had gone without her, saying that he wouldn't be around in the future, so she better get used to it).

It is a tragic loss, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I am hoping that it might save her from the relationship, that she will see him neglecting her and leave him for good, but I think that is kind of unlikely. I can just see the whole cycle starting again.

I really want to go and speak to her and pray with her, but I am worried that GLW+1 being pregnant will hurt her too much. So, I have had to pray for her at a distance.

Loosing our baby at full term terrifies me. The idea of loosing all we have, of loosing that wonderful bouncing life inside of GLW+1, of going back to the emotional drain of IF, fills me with fear. I know that the odds of that happening are extremely remote. I know that GLW+1 is more likely to be hit by a bus, but it still scares me.

If you could spare a prayer for Anne.

Jon

One little month to go

2008-09-19T21:41:00.004+01:00

I can't quite believe that we have only one month to go. The nursery looks great (if a little cramped - but hey - I don't think the baby will take up too much room). I tell you what - let's try a photo.

OK, it's a bit 'tonal' but it works. Child proof paint 'n all (which was like painting with glue).

Anyway - I have started the new job, which is currently the old job with better pay and a different desk, but that suit me OK. The really good news is that my new team leader is happy for me to take my paternity leave whenever I want and to tack on 2 weeks of my own leave. One whole month off! Yay! Well, not exactly off, there might be a few things to do (like look after a wife and baby).

GLW+1 is looking great and seems to be having an easy time of it at the mo. I have been trying to encourage her to do all the right things - not reclining (which can make the baby go spine to spine - which makes labour much harder), pelvic floor exercises and all that stuff.

She had her last day in the office today - complete with gifts and tears. I get a month, she gets a whole year! We have been given so much stuff, we really didn't need to buy anything, and the little we did have to buy came from ebay anyway. So only the boring things left to buy (unmentionable things with words like 'shield' or 'pads' - ewww - I prefer the babygrows).

Our best friend had her baby on Tuesday - that has really brought it all home. I am seriously excited now.

J

Countdown T minus 6 weeks

2008-09-10T22:02:00.003+01:00

First birth lesson yesterday, last homegroup tonight, last day in the old job tomorrow. The lodger is gone (that 6 months went real quick!). And painting the nursery on Friday.

We are GO with baby countdown.

:)

J

7 deadly sins quiz

2008-08-26T20:10:00.002+01:00

Interesting, I am certain I would have come out far worse if they had known my weaknesses!

But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense — Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. 1 John 2;1-2

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Very Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Church angst

2008-08-26T19:49:00.006+01:00

I must admit to be a tad narked by my wonderful Church at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my church, what it stands for and many of the people in it, but a problem is brewing.

You see, we (GLW+1 and I) are busy people. We run a home group for 12 or so people (who aren't all exactly low maintenance), and I preach about once every 2 months (or less).

With +1 on the way, we are going to take a break, but unfortunately that hasn't gone down too well. The elders have given us their general support, but one of them makes little comments that aren't particularly supportive.

Today GLW+1 was in tears having spoken to one of the elders saying that we were in the process of handing the homegroup on to another couple (all of which had been previously agreed). And the comment she got back was "you know, other people have been through this as well"

OK, she may have misconstrued this, but what I seem to be getting from this guy in particular is "we all had to run homegroups/preach/lead a church etc when we had babies, so you should too".

Well the fact is, I don't care how much you managed to do for the Kingdom when you or your wife was very pregnant and large, or with a newborn. If she doesn't want a homegroup, I don't want a homegroup, and that's the end of it.

Situations like this make me worried that the church only wants me for what I can give. "He's so useful! He can lead a homegroup. He can preach." I want to be wanted in church for who I am rather than what I can do. Am I some performing monkey?

At the moment, having a baby is a massive unknown quantity. I have no idea how much time it will take up or how much energy I will have left for anything else, so, rather than fudge on through getting stressed and not really having time for it all, I would preffer to say No, I am stepping down from leading this or preaching that.

I have come from a church history where I have seen leaders burn themselves out and damage themselves and their families for the sake of their "ministry" (a word I dislike very strongly). And I am not going down that road.

So there

J

p.s. I am meant to be writing a bible study for homegroup, but I don't want to. :-P

Yeah, whatever (part 2)

2008-08-14T15:53:00.003+01:00

Oh what a surprise. The baby is fine! Could it be possible, may I dare postulate, that the NHS are over-reactive percentile lovers! In fact, not only was the baby fine, it was huge! So GLW+1 has a bump that is measuring 28 weeks and a baby that is measuring 32 even though she is a mere slip of a girl at 30 weeks. As I said. Whatever.

Jr was far too big to fit in one screen on the ultrasound, instead we were getting close up cross-sections through a single arm or a lovely slice of head. It was good to see him/her again, but still not really floating my boat.

What was terrifying was the visit to the maternity unit we had to go to yesterday. It is meant to demystify the ward so that you don't get freaked when you get there, which slows down your birth. When the midwife was talking about what positions to give birth in, I was feeling the immanency of the whole thing begin to take hold. Especially as GLW is being kicked with such ferocity that her clothes are bouncing around.

Only 10 weeks to go. 10 precious that we should spend going out for fine meals and long walks whilst we still can. However, it seems like this time is being spent buying baby stuff on eBay and re-arranging the house to fit in a cot. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait 2 decades until whatever family we have have flown the nest, and then I can go on long walks again.

See ya guys

J

Yeah, Whatever

2008-08-01T16:33:00.005+01:00

Well apparently the 'nice neat bump' is too small by a whole 2cm, so we are off for another dating scan. It's like a normal date, with nice candles and some soft music, but has the added interest of partial disrobement and the majority of a pot of medical grade lubricant. Hmm. Nice.

To tell you the truth, I don't give a monkeys what date the baby comes on. I would kind of like it not to be Halloween, but hey, it could be worse.

What is ridiculous, is that we knew what day we conceived. We were told by God when it would happen, we knew when we, erm, 'did it', and when GLW was most likely to conceive. All of that was the same day. OK, so regardless of that, the NHS automatically dates you to your last period, so that adds a couple of weeks. So then, we toddle off for our first 12 week scan (which in reality is 10 weeks, but hey), and they tell us that GLW is 13 weeks. Huh? No. I'm sorry, but that is biologically impossible and quite messy, so no, GLW is not 13 weeks, she is 10 weeks, and you are calling it 12.

Whatever

So now she goes for the check up, they measure her bump and lo! and behold! Shock horror. She is not measuring 29 weeks, but a mere 27! Strange that, where did that mystical 2 weeks go? Could it possibly be that the 12 week dating scan was wrong?

So it all seems a bit stupid, but hey, at least I get to see +1 again before the big arrival.

Anyway - I am meant to be writing a sermon on "The Kingdom is like...", and am allowing myself to get distracted AGAIN.

Hmpf

J

Anonymity

2008-07-25T10:50:00.002+01:00

One of the bloggers I read has comprimised their anonymity, and doesn't seem to know it. I have no way of contacting them, and don't want to comment on their blog as they don't have their comment moderation on.

Maybe they aren't too bothered, maybe I am just being too sensitive as my anonymity was comprimised?

Anyway - peeps, if you have a blog and you are intending it to be anonymous, then take a quick look through and see if you can spot it.

If none of you can spot it (on their OWN blog - no peaking at other people's!), then put up a comment, I won't publish it, and I can try and direct you to the problem. Alternatively, you can turn on your own comment moderation, and then I can leave you a secret comment saying what is wrong!

Hmmmmm. Tricky.

Anyway - GLW+1 still doing well, and has now turned her focus from the extortionate Mamas & Papas to the far less extortionate eBay. The bank account is breathing a sigh of relief. She is rapidly expanding, but has a nice neat bump (which is in a serious kicking phase - which starts off as quite exciting, but rapidly looses it's novelty when it is your liver that is being kicked).

As for me, trundling along well. My last sermon seemed to go down well (The battle for the kingdom within you), work is dragging (my start date for my new job is mid Septemeber), and all in all, I just want to get on with everything - baby, new job etc.

J

Made of money

2008-07-11T10:27:00.003+01:00

Just come back from Mamas & Papas, and it was one well expensive trip. Our parents have been extremely generous and bought us a cot, a buggy and a car seat, which are the most expensive things, so we went out to get 'just a few bits and bobs', and came back with the car full and the bank account empty.

I always knew that having a baby was expensive. I knew that there was a million and one things to buy, but I had never felt it and seen it hit my own pocket. You walk into the shop and there is just a never ending line of things that you think you need. Do I need a spare matress cover for when the baby spews on everything on site? Do I need a bouncy chair thing that plays music or will the baby be happy in blissful silence (I know which I would preffer as a parent!)

It really is endless, and terrifying. But hey, we have the money, so no need to worry too much (yet!), what we are lacking is the experience to know what is worth getting, and what is just baby tat!

The new job will start in September, a month before the +1 bit of GLW is due, so on the money side of things, all seems to be perfectly times. It's almost like Someone is in charge. Hmm, I wonder who that might be.

J

I got the job!

2008-07-09T22:31:00.002+01:00

Yay!

I went for 2 jobs, both of which were a big step up. I didn't get the top one (+£10K), but did get the lower grade job, which is still good.

It will be less contentious work, more money, a better team and much better prospects. All of which comes just as the baby comes and we need the wonga.

Anyway, GLW+1 still doing well, still rapidly expanding, and still warding off the stretchmarks with judicious quantities of Bio-oil. It is amazing to think that my child is just inside that lovely bump. I just love seeing and feeling it kick (although I suspect the novelty is wearing thin on GLW)!

J

More good news!

2008-07-05T19:05:00.002+01:00

Another one of my (ex) IF friends is pregnant! Hallelujah!

They have been trying for years (I think 4+ years). Early days for them at the moment (7 weeks), but so far, so good. We've been praying for them to conceive pretty much every day since we found out they were having problems, so this is a major answer to prayer. I haven't heard the full story yet, but what I have heard is amazing.

GLW+1 is doing well. We have bought the buggy, the cot and some clothes, and today we have been moving stuff out of our box room to make space for the cot etc, so we now have books piled up to the ceiling in the (now claustrophobic) study, and I have lost my guitar/prayer room/Christian book repository. Oh well. I prayed, God gave, and I have to live with it.

Big job interview on Tuesday. It would be a £10K pay rise! Wowzers.

J

Oh! Go on then! One more post

2008-06-18T16:48:00.003+01:00

Ok, maybe there will be a couple more posts, but I really don't have it in me to keep blogging. That desire has completely flown away. Sorry!

Anyway, GLW+1 is doing well. Being kicked from the inside at inopportune moments and bursting out of all her clothes (not in that way!). I dutifully rub Bio-oil into her bump every night and wonder what Baby will look like when (ha! I'm not telling you if it is a he or she yet!) arrives.

GLW+1 is in a good phase at the mo, and enjoying actually looking pregnant (rather than just large). After the 20 week scan we allowed ourselves to start buying things, so we now have a nice Mamas & Papas push-chair thing gracing our lounge (it was £200 off! Wooo!)

I feel strangely detached from the 20 week scan photo. I know loads of people who are really attached to them, but for me, it doesn't really float my boat. My way of seeing it is that I have a real baby that I will be able to gaze at till my heart is full. Why would I want to look at some grainy black & white cross section through my baby's head? Now we see but a pale reflection. When Jr arrives, then I will fully know (1 Cor 13).

My IF friends aren't doing too well. I really feel for them, and we are trying to give them the kind of support that I wish we had received. Another couple of friends who are TTC have just had a second miscarriage, which really hit hard. Pray! Pray! Pray!

On that note - something very cool/weird happened the other day - I went to stay with some friends and visited their church on Sunday. They had a guy talking about healing, and offered prayer afterwards. I went up (I have problems with my back) and he got me sitting in a chair with my legs out and showed me (and everyone else) that my left leg was at least an inch shorter than my right. He prayed, and get this, I FELT and SAW my leg grow. Wowzers. It was utterly amazing. My back has been getting successively better since.

Oh, and that job that I went for (and didn't get) has come up again, this time looking for an expert in the areas that I am already the only expert in! I think that they are trying to poach me.

So, all in all, good news!

See you (ok, maybe blogging isn't too bad, I might repeat my excursion back here)

J

Faith in Fertility

2008-05-17T12:55:00.002+01:00

I never want to forget the feelings I have experienced during infertility. I have always hoped that my faith will be the silver bullet to any circumstance, but in this case, that bullet never seemed to hit.

My infertility was a cold, hard vacuum. A gap. A void that couldn’t be filled. A profound emptiness. It was always nagging at the back of my mind, tapping me on the shoulder.

Most of the time I could ignore it. Live my life as hard and fast as possible, and distract myself. There were times when I could look at it at a distance, and maybe see that there was still a life to be lived. That there were other blessings, other hopes.

There were other times when I happened to stray too close, and it would grab me, unexpected and vicious. Overwhelm me with a vacuous grip. Drag me down. Stun me. Engulf me.

To get spiritual on you for a moment: was it Demonic? I'm not sure, but certainly it had a personality that wasn't my own. I'm not one to find a Devil under every bush, but the effect it had on me was spiritually negative.

Worship was my reprieve. That is what happened on 3rd February when I brought the word from Habakkuk. It was like I had dragged my infertility kicking and screaming to God's throne and declared to it - "YOU WILL BOW". To stand there in worship with my feelings laid bare, knowing that God is the healer.

But God had healed already.

On Wednesday 31st January we were told by a member of our church housegroup that "God had put it on his heart to pray for us to have kids". What he didn't tell us (which he admitted under our later interrogation) is that God had in fact said to him, with no knowledge that we were TTC, that we were going conceive immediately. He wanted to protect us just in case he was wrong. But he wasn't wrong. Looking back at the dates, we conceived within 24 hours of that word.

After trying to conceive for a year and a half, we conceived within one day of that prophecy.

On the Sunday after, another word came. Isaiah 54:

1 "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD.2 "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.

What is this verse saying? It says that the barren woman will have children, and that you need to prepare your house for guests. That is exactly what happened. GLW was now GLW+1, and we took in a lodger (again, this lodger was prophesied by another friend!)

So is God on the case?

Absolutely.

J

Blogging

2008-05-10T19:38:00.002+01:00

I started this blog because I needed somewhere to express the feelings I was going through. I desperately wanted to find other people who understood both faith and infertility, to learn from them, and to find out about what I was going through.

Through this blog I have found all those things. What I didn't expect was the level of support and kinship I have found. I truely value that.

I know that a fair few people have read this blog, which has also amazed me. When I started up I honestly expected to be talking to thin air. The thought that my blog has been visited over a thousand times by over a hundred different people seems surreal. I don't know many of you, but I am glad that you know me.

I'd love all of you to have a blog. Everyone has a story. To those of you who may, in some foolish moment, actually start a blog, please learn from my experience. You really need to decide whether it is public or anonymous and the stick to that decision. Believe me, there is no middle ground. You also need to think about your audience (although you should never be a performer). If you want other people to read what you are saying, then find a blogging hub (like SQ&SPJ) and jump in.

I have decided to run this blog down. I have taken out any personal info (sorry about that) to try and keep my anonymity, and I may have to take out any of your comments that could identify me. I made a big mistake in not being fully anonymous, and I deeply regret that. GLW+1 was mortified to find that our friends had been reading this, and as a result, I have agreed with her not to post any more personal things.

Regardless of the 'security breach' that I had, the primary purpose of my blogging has been fulfilled. I have been through a journey, and I am very glad that I have kept a record of where I came from. It is only when I look back through my blog that I fully realise where that place was.

Where I am now (GLW+1 is now 16 weeks!) is not a place where I feel the need to vent my heart. The overwhelming secret IF is gone. My monster has been defeated. I will tell you the whole story (when you look at it with hindsight, it is truly miraculous), but this story has essentially come to an end.

There will be a few more posts, but not very often. I will be around, and I will try and keep an eye open for what is going on in your blogs. If I start another blog I will let you know, and probably put it up at SQ&SPJ.

To get you up to date, GLW+1 is doing well. A few issues and one nasty trip to the hospital, but everything is OK at the moment.

This looks a lot like a goodbye, but I'm not sure

J

The IF club

2008-04-24T20:29:00.000+01:00

By far the hardest part of this pregnancy has been telling the IF club. My face-to-face friends who are going through the same thing.

You want to share your joy with them, but know that you are bringing pain. I have had a complete spectrum of responses. From joy and thanksgiving, to tears and silence. I have completely understood each one, and wouldn't expect anything different.

I have felt like apologising for conceiving, even though it was what all of us have been trying to achieve!

I know that they have all wished the best for me, but that doesn't make it any easier telling them. I hope that my experience has helped them to believe in the God who heals. My healing hasn't removed their chance of the same miracle, in fact, I hope that it would inspire them to pray for the same one!

So have I really 'left the IF club'? I don't think so. I think that once you are in, you are in for life. If you have known that pain and longing, you will never forget it. I still associate myself more with those who are struggling to conceive than those who are popping babies out like shelling peas.

One of my IF colleagues told me she was pregnant this week. She had blocked oviducts, and had to have stents put in (she was in agony). It worked, and she is now 15 weeks! I have been happy for all the people I know who have conceived, but I was overjoyed for her. Absolutely over the moon. She hasn't just gone from being pre-child to pregnant, like neutral to positive. She has gone from infertile to fertile. Negative to positive. Now that is a real joy.

I will always value my child immensely. Will I be able to value it more as it was hard won? Is it possible to value any child more than you would if it was won easily? I don't know. But I know that it will be the most precious thing that God has ever put in my hands.

J

The 8 week hurdle

2008-04-17T08:05:00.001+01:00

Put in another wavy camera cut..... back in time to......

12th March 2008

I will never forget the feeling I had when I thought I would never have children. It was a cold hard vacuum that nothing seemed to fill. I know that I am meant to be content with God alone, but that void always seemed there. It was insatiable and unmoving. Every now and then it would be unearthed within me and seem to paralyse me with emptiness.

It is amazing how quickly that void disappeared. Like a bubble popping. There is now a hope when previously there was none. But I keep having this nagging that our luck hasn't come good yet, that in a flash, that void will return. I daren't believe my hope is true.

GLW+1 is coming up to 8 weeks now, apparently the time when most miscarriages happen. We are about to go on another one of our crazy holidays, which adds to the anxiety, but we have been told it would happen regardless of where we are. Some of our best friends have just had a miscarriage at 8 weeks.

I guess that even if we never had kids, it wouldn't be the rawest deal. Now that GLW is +1, I can fully see that the rawest deal is for the people who can concieve but not carry to term. That must be far harder than I can imagine.

I guess that as we can't tell anyone (which is why you are reading this far after the 12 March) it doesn't seem real. I would love to tell everyone and it to be 'out' but not yet, a few more weeks. Stay in there baby, stay in there. Please Jesus, make this real.

J

12 week scan & blog probs

2008-04-16T11:56:00.006+01:00

I had to keep +1 a secret until the 12 week scan, so I have a stack of posts I have been keeping back, so sorry about the sudden deluge!

It was a pretty surreal moment when we went for the 12 week scan (Monday). It was a small dark room full of monitors, with just enough room for 2 chairs and the bed.

GLW+1 couldn't stop giggling, which made the +1 bit of her tricky to find. When we did find +1, it was happily bouncing around as much as GLW.

I just sat there thinking "I'm looking at my child for the first time"

We got the pictures, which don't look like much (compared to the video feed on the monitors), and look like any other picture from a 12 week scan - a grey, blobby, baby-shaped blur.

When we got home, it was time to do the calls, which went on for 4 hours. It was in one of those calls that GLW reported that one of our friends had been reading this blog. I just felt cold. Sick.

There was maybe 2 friends who knew about this blog, and I was happy to keep it that way. To suddenly find that my entire friendship circle had access made me feel terrible. What was meant to be a happy day ended very badly.

Should I go password protected? Maybe, but I don't like that idea. Should I close down the blog? It's a real option. Or I could re-site the blog with a new URL - that could work. In the short term I have removed my photo, name, work area, and tried to make this blog hard to get around, but maybe the damage has already been done. Ideas and wisdom gratefully received.

Why am I so upset? Many of my friends are nice Christian folk who are very supportive and understanding, but that doesn't mean that I wanted to share this with them. Maybe it has done some good? Maybe there are others out there who need to know about this, or who are burying their own problems? I trust that God works all things for good, and maybe this is one of those things. The friend who leaked this site is one of the wisest and spiritually acute people I know, so maybe God was working through her.

Is it really such a big deal? +1 is now on the way, so why worry?

J

Update: The link is now down, and the blog owner says that only 3 people clicked through it (one of which was me!). I know who the other 2 people are, so it looks like the panic is over and normal service can resume.

More of the secret

2008-04-16T10:18:00.001+01:00

It was amazing how quickly my life changed on 14th Feb. It was like someone had just flicked a switch and suddenly the overwhelming emptiness had been filled.

I know that I don't deserve this. Jen, Glenna & Andrea (and many others) deserve this. My face-to-face infertile friends deserve this, not me. I feel guilty in a way, but I know that I would wish them all to have a baby, and that they would wish me the same.

I almost feel a fraud being anywhere near IF blogs. I was expecting to be here for the long haul. Years. Not wanting to go down the ART route meant that what we have now is all we will ever have. I even tried slowing down on my blogging so that I could pace myself for the long haul.

I haven't done anything different. I have no wisdom to give on how to pray, on what vitamins to take or anything else. It just happened.

The same God that has given us a baby is the same God that has denied that blessing from so many others. I have to live with a God who gives people different blessings, regardless of their desires. All I can say is that God is sovereign, and the blessing is His alone to give, rather than ours to dictate.

The secret revealed

2008-04-14T21:20:00.013+01:00

OK, I have just found out that a good friend of mine has inavertently linked to my blog, and in so doing has outed me to a rather large selection of my friends. This is extremely uncomfortable, but hey, it has happened, so let's make the best of it. Hi guys - nice of you to drop in - glad to know you have all been joining me in my deepest problems. Now go away please. But leave a comment first (just so I know how many friends have been reading this).

I have stipped down my blog to try and stay anonymous, so to any IF visitors - sorry it is hard to find your way around, but you are most welcome.

Anyway.

I have a confession to make. I have been keeping a secret from you for the last couple of months. I have promised to keep this secret until now because there are a few people that I know (face-to-face) who I told about this blog, who weren't allowed to know (one of which linked to this blog - aagggh!)

I tried to think of ways to say wanted I to say without them knowing. I thought about going password protected, but that doesn't fit my attitude to blogging. I thought about resiting my blog with a new URL, which you would find through SQ&SPJ, but that might not be secure enough. I thought about getting them to promise not to read the blog, but there is no way that would work either!

The only option was to keep it a secret, and try and distract you all with posts about other subjects (Although I have a strong suspition that Jen figured it out!)

Insert a wavy camera cut as you are transported back in time to.........

Thursday 14th February. Valentines Day

I came back from work today to find GLW looking decidedly sheepish.

"You OK?"

"I had a funny feeling all day, and I just thought I'd do a test"

"AND?!!"

"It's positive, but that doesn't mean I'm pregnant, and even if I am, I might not stay pregnant"

We pray, right there and then. Commit it all to God. We pray that it is true, that it will stay true, and that GLW+1 will be healthy and happy.

She does a 2nd test - still positive. I can't believe it. I almost don't want to believe it. I don't want this hope just for it to be taken away. We daren't talk about it in case it isn't true. I'm overwhelmingly happy, but trying to lock it down at the same time. I burst into laughter. I want to tell everyone, but know that I can tell no-one.

GLW+1 won't even say the words "I'm pregnant", I slowly coax her into admitting out loud that she has done a positive pregnancy test, that could be interpretted as being pregnant, but she doesn't use the magic words. That's OK, there is plenty of time for that. A whole 9 months by my counting.

Friday 15th February

The next day I have a site visit to do with an hour's driving each way. I spend the hours praising God and praying like never before.

There is a line in the worship song "What the Lord has done in me" that goes:

"Let the weak say, I am strong. Let the poor say, I am rich. Let the blind say, I can see". I add in the line "let the infertile say I am fertile", and practically crash the car. OK, keep calm. No going to pieces at work. GLW+1 says that if she still doesn't have her period tommorrow, she will do another test, and then admit she is pregnant.

Saturday 16th February

No period (due today), and another +ve test.

The floodgates of pregnancy are opened.

We go to Mothercare. We look at prams (!), we get a brochure, we walk around like we have entered the promised land. GLW+1 has to buy a bigger bra (already!).

Sunday 17th February

Today.

I LONG to press that "publish post" button below. It is so tantalising and close. I know that pressing it will make a lot of people very happy.

But I promised

Happy!

2008-03-15T08:46:00.003Z

OK, I am now officially happy with my SA result - I guess it has taken a while for it to sink in (having been blaming myself for a good while). Was my first test a spurious low? Probably not - you don't wait for a baby for 18+ months for no reason. So have I been healed? I guess so!

Hosanna and probably a Hallelujah as well.

J

Second SA results

2008-03-12T22:16:00.004Z

I just got my second set of SA results from the Doctor:

Number: was 64.4 million now 79 million
Morphology: was 11% normal now 13% normal
Motile: was 33% now 31%
Alive: was 51% now 44%
White cells: was 12.2 million now 4.5 million
MNSD: was 1.58 now 3.49

What is weird is that the Doc thinks that everything is great and was really happy, and my MNSD is way up (which is the main indicator) but looking at the numbers, they don't seem to be that much different. Huh?

Have I been healed? Am I the same as before? I have no idea! I guess if my MNSD is up, then it is good, but I can't understand how it can be by looking at the previous figures.

Now I am really confused, but cautiously optimistic.

J

2 Blogs and a fight!

2008-03-10T20:55:00.006Z

I want to draw your attention to a couple of notable blogs that have started up recently.

Firstly there is From head to heart. Written by Nick, this is a blog by one of the writers of "It's OK to cry" which I reviewed a few weeks back. They are fellow Christians, which means that they have similar foundations and perspectives to me. This creates a common bond in a profound way. They are new to the scene, so go and say hi.

Secondly there is The making of baby V - the Husband's perspective. Written by Shawn. No way! A BLOKE! A massive turn up for the books. Always good to see a man's side of things when most of the attention is on the women.

So there you go.

I had a great time on my "conflict resolution" course, and have the bruises to prove it. It was strangely cathartic to beat 7 bells out of your instructor (who was wearing a protective "red man" suit), whilst quoting Section 3 of the Criminal Law Act 1967 at him.

Don't mess with me.

Grrr

J

Nominative Determinism

2008-03-04T10:38:00.005Z

Have you ever heard of nominative determinism? It means that your name will direct your job. So if your name is Mr Smart, you end up as a teacher etc.

Well.....

My fertility Doctor's name is Dr Hancock! (Well I think it is funny)

Anyway. 2nd SA didn't go too good. Because of the epididithingy I have to repeat the test in 4 weeks time (the other side of a 2 week holiday we have coming up - China! Woooo!). So still no absolute answers.

I had a good chat with Dr Hancock though. He said that the index thingy is called "mean normal sperm density", and it is an exponential scale (so over 4 and you really do have superman sperm!). Under 1.5 and you have problems. My 1.58 isn't great, but could be worse.

Anyway - I am off on a 2 day "conflict resolution" course (how to break people's arms if they try and knife you). So your comments will take a couple of days to be approved (I haven't rejected any - I just switch that setting on so that I don't miss any of your posts - your comments are very warmly received (HINT)).

See you soon

J

Warning: may contain nuts.

2008-02-19T17:04:00.011Z

OK girlies (who I guess are the majority of my readers) - sorry to talk about my 'downstairs' area on this post. You have been warned.

I have been feeling a continuous ache for a few weeks now. I'm not going to say where - just use your imagination.

After 4 weeks of it, my worries were that it could either be the start of a hernia, or something else unpleasant in 'the same vicinity'. So off I go to the doctor who says that I may have epididimitis and has given me some antibiotics (so no booze on my Birthday (Sunday)). If the antibiotics don't work within a week, then it's not epididimitis, and I am off for an nut scan pronto style.

There is a good chance that it is epididimitis (that is hard to type - way too many 'i's) seeing as my last SA showed loads of white cells (but then again, this pain has come on pretty quickly, and I certainly didn't have it 2+ months ago when I had my SA). The doctor said that it shouldn't affect my long term fertility so long as it was treated.

The bad news comes if we find out that it isn't epididi..etc the options of what it could be don't seem very good. Especially as I am in the high risk group for testicular cancer, and have a varicocele on the other side already. At least I have private health care (free through GLW's work) which means I can get on with having a scan rather than having to wait around for weeks on the NHS (which is what happened when I had a lump a few years back).

I have absolutely no qualms about dropping my trousers and letting a doctor 'check the vegetables' if he has to. I have a medical background, and I know that these things need to be done, and that the doctor feels worse about having to do it than you do. I don't see such events in a sexual way in the slightest, but what is wierd, is that when I go to the gym I choose the enclosed shower cubicles over the open area showers because I don't like showering in front of other men (no great surprise).

One day I would like to have an ailment that is above the waist.

J

p.s. Keep those prayers 'a coming!

(edit: just googled epididYmitis, and am not amused at all. I don't have all of the symptoms before you ask, and I have no idea how I got it)

Pray!

2008-02-14T20:28:00.003Z

Hi guys

A quick prayer request - please pray for us. I have promised not to say about what (at the mo), but don't worry, it's nothing bad.

Ta muchly

J

The numbers game

2008-02-12T20:17:00.002Z

I like numbers. You can play with numbers, you can coax meanings out of them. In a way you can trust them. "I like to count! Ah, ha haaaa!" (That was a quote from Sesame Street by the way, for those of you who think I've completely lost it)

That is why I wanted all my numbers when I got my SA result. I'm not content with just knowing that it's good or it's bad. I want to know how good, or how bad. Maybe there is a latent statistician in me trying to get out (that sounds painful).

I know that I've got a crummy count, but I'm not sure exactly how bad it is, but I know that it's not good. And I don't like that.

I know what a terrible count is. I don't have no sperm, or no correct morphology, or none moving. I don't have a 'give up now and adopt/DI' count.

In the same way I know what a good count is. There are loads of websites about that. They broadly agreee with each other, and they broadly agree that I don't have a superman count. I would have known by now. The underwear would have given it away.

My overall fertility index is 1.58 somethings (Flanian Pobble Beads? Triganic Pu?) but I have no idea what the somethings are, and if there is any hope at all if you have 1.58 of them. I know that less than 1 is bad, and over 3 is good. But that doesn't help those like me that are in the middle. I am in this massive grey area between being medically fertile and infertile.

I would have called this blog "faith sub fertility" but it's not so catchy.

I have come across this website which is a research paper that looks at sperm count, morophology and motility all at once, and has loads of numbers. Unfortunately, there are so many numbers that even I am blinded by them (and I actually like numbers! (Ah! Ha haa! etc))

So currently I am none the wiser.

Being of the UK variety, the 'good' old NHS is driving this one, and they won't let us have a consultant's opinion on my numbers until we have been through full blood works for the GLW (done), 2 SAs for me (one to go), a postcoital test (ewww gross, trying to avoid that one) and preferably the nasty iodine thing (that is just plain mean). So it is going to be a long wait before we actually know anything more.

My GLW is of the opinion that we just need to try for longer, and that it will all come good in the end. We are very "not keen" to go down the ART route (which sounds like a nice trip to the Guggenhiem) so I guess we are just going to have to sit it out.

By looking at other websites (the ones with those scary graphs) I think we have about a 1 in 5 chance of being able to concieve in the next 6 months (which would bring us up to the 2 year milestone). What scares me is that after two years the graphs run out. What happens then? I think it must be some sort of IF rapture.

I really am loosing it - oh no, it's already gone

J

BTW - massive respect to anyone who knows what a Flanian Pobble Bead is without Googling it (and no - it's not rude)

Book review: "It's OK to cry"

2008-02-10T16:19:00.001Z

Just finished this book on Friday. It was the only one in my local Christian Bookshop that was anywhere near the issue of Christian Infertility, which may not have been the best reason to buy it, but hey, there you go.

This book follows the story of Malcolm & Nick Cameron, and their journey through infertility and a miscarriage. It is written mostly by Nick, with one chapter written "man to man" by Malcolm. It is quite short, and very easy to read. I think I read it in 2 evenings.

If you are looking for a book that explores the feelings behind Christian IF and miscarriage, then this book is great. It is honest, emotional, and readable. It looks at coping with grief, shame, desperation and the other emotions that couples go through. It does this in a frank and honest way, that I think is healthy and open.

If you are looking for a book that explores the Biblical view of IF and miscarriage, then this book begins to head that way, with one chapter looking at the different people in the Bible who had fertility problems. It is not one of those painful "believe for it, and you'll get it" faith books, that I find both nauseating and unscriptural. It talks about being satisfied with Jesus, and the ongoing need for prayer. It does not major on faith in a deep and theological way, but it is strongly there.

I was looking for a book that explores the Biblical/ethical side of different treatments, and as such, I should have read something else. There are no ethics or treatments mentioned in this book at all. But I think that they would have been out of place if it had.

The book has it's own website with more details, ISBNs etc

See ya

J

The Nonnie Dilemma

2008-02-05T21:40:00.001Z

You have probably noticed by now that I am in fact a Christian. I expect that honking great Bible verse up there in the top corner gave it away, or maybe that o-so-subtle blog title of FAITH in fertility.

I've not set up this blog to try and push my faith on anyone, but at the same time, I can't try and ignore it. Having faith in God is amazingly profound and powerful. And just as you have an intense connection with other IF people (if you are in that boat), you have the same connection with other Christians. Both groups have deeply personal and strongly held values, concerns and attitudes.

This puts me in a dilemma.

You see, I have a very strong dislike of exclusivity. It reminds me of school, with those secret little groups whispering in the corner and glancing in your direction. Instead, I want to include everyone. Everyone is invited to the party, no-one is left out.

So the dilemma is, how can I blog as a Christian and yet be inclusive to Nonnies? (a light-hearted and affectionate term for Non-Christians)

One option would be to try and de-jargonsise my blog. Rather than using words like "prophecy" I could say "an inspired thought from a supernatural higher power". But would it help? It would turn my blog into some bizarre politically correct pseudo-spiritual mush, and no-one would want that.

The only other I could think of was to put up a little warning before stuff got too spiritually heavy. If my faith really puts you off, then you can miss that chunk and pick up again later. Alternatively, you can read on anyway, I really don't mind. If you get confused or feel left out, leave a comment, and I will try to help.

J

p.s. Do you like my wider layout? I have learnt how to tinker with my Html

Outed by God (again)

2008-02-03T19:29:00.001Z

I was planning on trying to slow down a bit in this blog. I have posted nearly every day since I started, and I thought I would take a more sedate pace, but then this happened:

Nonnies (non-Christians) please look away, (or just get really confused - the choice is yours).

It all got a bit traumatic at church this morning. We are at a church where if you want to bring a word of scripture, a prophecy, testimony etc, you sidle up to the elder who is running the meeting, whisper in his ear, and he will weigh it and give you a slot between the songs as he sees fit.

So we start of with someone bringing a word that God wanted to speak to us. Great. Always good to have an ear pointing up. Especially as we have been asked if we could take in a lodger (a girl in the church who is in a tough place), and I was asking God for wisdom on it.

The first word comes about extending your boundaries - sounds like it could be about taking in a lodger.

The second word comes, and she reads Isaiah 54:

1 "Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the LORD.

2 "Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.

If there is one verse in the entire Bible that would be a "Hey you! Yes the one with no kids (yet), yes you. Take in a lodger" it would be that one. So that was well encouraging.

Now then, yesterday I came across Habakkuk 3;17 for the first time (it's up there in the top right corner), and it really impacted me. And there I was thumbing through it when Isaiah 54 came up, and I thought - maybe I should bring this. It sort of fits.

So up I went, whispered in the right ear, got given a slot, and off I go.

"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls, "

And then I started to break. Right there in front of 100+ people. Great. Well at least I had their attention. I just about pulled it together enough to keep going.

"Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Saviour."

You see, when everything seems fruitless. When all seems empty and destroyed. When you have nothing, and your life seems to bear no fruit. Your fruitfulness is in your praise to God. And that is valuable fruit.

The praise that comes when you are broken is far more valuable then the praise that comes in fullness. It is easy to praise God when the going is good, but praising in the tough times, that is where the rubber hits the road.

So has everyone in church twigged what we are going through? I have no idea. At least more people will be praying!

I really must try and blog less

J

O brother, where art thou?

2008-02-02T21:01:00.001Z

There seems to be a bit of a theme in the IF blogging world. If you take a look at my list of blogs, those of the male persuasion are notably lacking. If fertility is a 50/50 problem (or there abouts) where are all the men? And where are their blogs?

When I recieved my first SA result I spent a long time on Google looking for other men with the same problem. I had plenty of information on what the problem was medically, but no information on the feelings (He said the F word, no man ever says the F word). That is why I felt obliged to start this blog. Someone has to talk about it.

Let me tell you. Male IF bloggers are very few and far between. At the IF blogging hub Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, the jesters that blog are under the title "The Elusive Male Point of View" There are only 13 men out of the 1113 blogs that are listed. Of those 13 elusive men, 7 are listed as parenting or pregnant (well, you know what I mean!). That leaves a grand total of 6.

It is a lonely world as a male IF blogger.

So what is the problem?

1) I guess most men don't want to admit their feelings. To themselves or anyone else. (Who are you kidding! Grow up you neandethals)

2) Some might think that making babies is a woman's realm (Guess again, it takes two to tango)

3) That other people don't want to know about what you are going through (Rubbish - I wanted to know)

4) I can't think of a number 4, but I would be equally vitriolic to your lame imagined excuse.

For the Christian men out there - take a look at King David and the book of Psalms. David admitted and expressed his inmost feelings (between killing hoards of baddies) and we are still reading it 3000 years later.

To tell the truth, I could do with buddy. I appreciate all the wonderful and supportive women out there, but so far I have only one comment from a bloke (Good on you TWinAZ! We need to stick together! Have you thought about starting a blog?).

So in a nutshell: O brother, where art thou?

J

Outed by God!

2008-01-31T21:58:00.002Z

We run a church 'homegroup' on Wednesdays, and this week one of the guys said to my GLW that God had put it on his heart to pray for us to have kids! He wasn't saying that God would give us kids, just that he should pray for it. My GLW then filled him in on the details. We hadn't spoken to him about our situation before, so it is encouraging to know that God is on the case.

The walls are definately coming down on this. Almost all of our friends now know about our fertility problem. The default setting has previously been that GLW and I have discussed who to mention it to, and what to say. I don't mind her telling this guy, but I wonder if this is the start of us being more 'out' than before.

I feel confident that we will concieve this week, I guess I always do when it gets to this point of the month (the 'active' week!), but this time I feel more confident than before. I don't know why, however, I don't think I will be too upset if this month ends up like the 17(?) before.

GLW has been trying out those ovulation tests at the moment. They haven't given any clear result yet, which is a bit confusing, but this is the first month we have tried them, and I guess it is worth a try!

Thank you everyone for your positive comments.

J

Merry Christmas Mum & Dad

2008-01-28T22:07:00.000Z

On Christmas Eve I got the call from my Dr with my SA result. He says it's not good. I ask for my numbers and he gives them to me. I scribble the numbers on the back of a crumpled reciept. The Doctor is as nice as he possibly can be. He says not to worry about it over Christmas, and I try not to.

Christmas Day and it's all still very raw. My Mum is plotting our next Christmas already. Her 60th, and it's going to be a big one. All the family in one huge seaside house.

Mum: "You never know, you might have a baby by then"

I haven't prepared myself for this yet. It is all too new. I fix my eyes ahead and try to empty my head. Try and block out what she has said, pretend it's not there. I don't do a very good job.

My GLW sees I'm struggling and gives me a hug. It helps, but unleashes the tears.

GLW: "Can I tell her?"

Me: "mffff, wibble"

So out it comes. Sorry Mum, the grandkids are postponed. Maybe indefinitely.

She's apologetic, says she had been trying not to say anything, that it will be OK, that if we adopt they will be as loved as any natural children. She tries to say all the right things.

We retire to the hot tub they have hired for Christmas. I drink Cachaca and watch the stars. (Would you like your sperm boiled or pickled?)

When we go to leave my Dad comes to 'see us out the drive'. He tries to say something but bottles it. I don't mind, I don't push it. It's not the easiest thing to talk about, especially to your family.

I wasn't planning on telling them until my second test, but I guess you don't always get to choose.

So Merry Christmas Mum & Dad. Sorry about the timing.

Do not be anxious about anything....

2008-01-24T18:54:00.001Z

I had quite possibly the most stressful 3 hours of my working life this afternoon. I'm not going to say what it was about, what I do or who I work for, as I have a very 'contentious' job that I don't want to bring up in a blog. But rest assured, it was bad. Full on tunnel vision et al. Fortunately I am off on a mini break, and I must not allow myself think about what is on the cards when I get back.

Last January one of my colleagues announced that her new year's resolution was to get preggers. I had already been trying for a few months, so we confided in each other. However, she found the work we do so stressful that she thought it was stopping her concieving, and so at the end of last summer, after TTC for 9 months, she left! Good on her!

Not only that, but one month later she was preggers! I was over the moon for her (and I still am).

Now what is really freaky is that for various reasons our team started to fall apart, so our Team Leader came up with the plan to get in a temp to help out, and guess who came back! She is now 4.5 months gone, and rapidly expanding (and not having to do the particular bit of work that stressed her out).

So now I keep wondering about the stress I am under, and whether if I leave my job we could have a baby. If I left, what could I do? Would it be less stress? Would it be enough money? More importantly, would it help us concieve?

I know that God is bigger than my stress levels, and that if He wants us to concieve, it will happen regardless of the odds (I will post more on this at a later date). Instead of being anxious, I should spend my time in prayer.

Easy to say, harder to do.

J

An apology and a plea

2008-01-21T08:48:00.001Z

OK, it's a fair cop.

Thalia put up a comment about my ethics regarding IVF, and my ignorant post about "spare embryos being flushed down the sink". I now realise that I have a whole lot more to learn about IVF ethics, and I apologise for any hurt I have caused.

That's the apology, now the plea:

If any of you know of a good source of info on IVF ethics, please leave me a link.

Much obliged

J

The Evolution of an Infertile

2008-01-20T16:58:00.002Z

This has to be the funniest post I have seen in a long time (even though it is an old one)!

http://princesssmartypantswrites.blogspot.com/2007/02/evolution-of-infertile.html

I guess I am just getting into stage 5.

The Infertile Identity

2008-01-18T17:37:00.001Z

My first reaction to our fertility problems was that I spent far too much time on websites that really weren't helping. I guess that I was exploring what the future might hold. My GLW and I decided to keep quiet, and not even tell our closest friends. It festered, and I felt like a kettle waiting to boil over with a scream of "I AM INFERTILE".

The elders in our church came and had a chat with us. We had already told them what we were going through, and they read our situation very well. They told us straight that we must let it out. That if we wanted support, if we wanted prayer or if we wanted our friends to stop asking "when are you having a baby?", then we would have to talk to them.

So we did. We had a load of apologies, quite a few tears, but more importantly, we now have a loving and supporting group around us who are praying for us, and know how to care for us.

Now, as many of you know, infertility is insidious, and when I was trying to keep it in, it was eating me up. It overtook me. I felt like I had this big label over my life saying "INFERTILE". It was all consuming.

If you are not of a spiritual persuasion, look away now...

No really, look away....

Allowing that label to rule your life is very dangerous, because the label that is over my life doesn't read INFERTILE, it reads FORGIVEN, it reads HEALED, it reads WHOLE and LOVED, COMPLETE, STRONG and FULL OF HOPE. The label that is over my life has been written by Jesus Christ, and He doesn't want me to vandalise my identity in Him by allowing me to graffiti my identity with words like INFERTILE. I may well be infertile, but that is not the label over MY head.

OK, you can look back...

So it took me a while to start this blog, because I had to take that label off first. I can write this not out of an obsession with my fertility, but as an expression of my life.

Rather than drowning in a lake of infertility, I am sailing on it. It is going to take me to a place that otherwise I would never get to. God has an intention for my life, and if it is having babies, then great, but if not, He will lead me to a different place, and a different blessing.

So there

J

Oh my word. There are actually people out there!

2008-01-17T22:14:00.001Z

Oh my word. There are actually people out there! Welcome all!

My GLW (Good Lady Wife) and I started feeling that the NHS train from here to IVF was going a bit too fast for us, so we have put the brakes on some of the nastier tests. We can't really see the point of doing an post coital exam, or that nasty thing with a womb full of angry iodine, when the finger seems to be pointing strongly in my direction. So my next test is on March 4th.

The first test wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs. You'd think that blokes would find anything with an orgasm at the end to be time well spent, but 'getting friendly with a plastic pot' as my Dr said, is not exactly an erotic experience I am looking to repeat too often.

Putting my Christian hat on (not that it is really ever off), I think that masturbation is not always a sin, but can often be a sign of an underlying issue ("my wife doesn't care about me" type stuff), or can become an obsession that takes ownership of you (and our ownership should belong to God alone). So I guess 'squirting in a pot' every 3 months (as one friend put it) isn't going to get between me and God.

Saying that, trying to get God involved in your sex life (including the squirting), is awkward. Especially when my Dr said that I need to make the event 'as good as possible' otherwise the sample won't be up to scratch.

Whilst I have my halo illuminated, my GLW and I decided long ago what where we would draw the line with regard to fertility treatment. Strange that. We are going to keep strong to what we believe in, but there are still areas we haven't decided on.

Take a look at what Entrusted is up to in my blog list. She believes the same as me, that life begins at fertilisation, and that brings a halt to some treatments. What she is up to is a kind of reduced IVF where they only fertilise the eggs they use. This brings the odds way down, but means that there are no 'spare' embryos to flush down the sink. (edit: please see this post)

This is a way emotive subject, and to do it justice and cover all the issues would take a million blogs. I am not condeming anyone, nor would ever wish to. I do not expect non-Christians to live to a Christian morality, and I do not expect all Christians to have the same morality as me!

This is becoming a long post, and I'm trying to steer clear of that.

See ya

J

In the beginning

2008-01-16T20:48:00.001Z

Well I guess you have to start somewhere.

I got married in 1999, and we said we would wait a few years before having kids. There was no hurry, I was 24, she was a svelte 21, and we had all the time in the world. After 3 years of being DINKYs we thought, maybe a few more years - just to make some financial headway of course - and then a couple more.

So in September 2006 we 'give it a go' (if you know what I mean). You spend nearly your whole married life trying not to get pregnant, and when you 'give it a go' you imagine it will happen first time.

A year later and we think that something ain't right down below, but put it off for a few more months.

We finally get round to talking to the doctor in November 2007, and I have my first semen analysis (SA) results come back on Christmas Eve 2007. And what a lovely present Santa brought me this year.

Number: 64.4 million (great!)
Morphology: 11% normal (not so bad)
Motile: 33% (not so good)
Alive: 51% (notably not so good)
White cells: 12.2 million (oh dear)

And some wierd index thing that was 1.58 somethings (it goes from 0-4 and over 3 is good, and under 1 and you are straight on the NHS train to IVF). Marvelous.

And so here we go. More tests are booked, but I will get into those later.

Oh! So much to talk about, but I'm going to try and avoid becoming one of those monster bloggers whose posts make your eyes water.

So long for now

J